What If Your Loved One Is Still Your Light-Interview with Grief Counselor Nicollette Vazquez

Grief can make you feel like you have to be “fine” for everyone else, even when you are falling apart in the quiet moments. We wanted a conversation that cuts through the clichés and actually helps, so we invited Nicolette Vasquez, Team Leader of Grief Support at Lightways Hospice and Serious Illness Care in Joliet, Illinois, to walk with us through what grief counseling looks like in real life and why it can be such a relief to have someone simply hold space.

We talk about the core purpose of grief counseling: not getting over the loss, not moving on, and not trying to fix what cannot be fixed. Instead, we focus on learning your grief, normalizing the roller coaster of emotions, and finding ways to keep a comforting bond with your loved one. We also dig into grief triggers and the surprising way they can change over time, like a song, a scent, or a familiar item in the grocery store that first knocks you over and later becomes a source of connection.

Then we tackle grief myths that add pressure, including the idea that grief is linear, that grief is only sadness, and that time alone heals everything. Nicolette explains how grief support can include one on one bereavement counseling, support groups, grief education workshops, and community events and why connecting with other grievers can reduce isolation in a way nothing else can. We also share practical resource tips, including how hospice programs can be a smart starting point and how to search by zip code through national hospice networks, plus options like telehealth grief counseling for added access.

If you are navigating loss, dementia caregiving, anticipatory grief, or the aftermath of a death, listen along and take what you need. Subscribe, share this with someone who could use a steadier hand, and leave a review so more caregivers and grievers can find this support.

Transcript

Welcome To Patty’s Place

SPEAKER_02 0:10

Welcome to Patty's Place, a place where we'll talk about grief, dementia, and caregiving. I'm your host, Lisa. I named this podcast in honor of my mom, Pat, who passed away about two and a half years ago from dementia. So I want this to be a place where you know you're not alone and you can not feel so overwhelmed. So grab your cup of tea, your cup of coffee, or if you're having that really bad day, a glass of wine, and come join us today. I'm very excited about our guest today. Joining us today is Nicolette Vasquez. She's the team leader of grief support at Lightways Hospice and Serious Illness Care in Joliet, Illinois. So welcome, Nicolette.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

Thank you. I'm so excited to be here and honored. Thank you so much for inviting me.

SPEAKER_02 0:47

Yes, yes. So I uh

What Grief Counseling Really Is

SPEAKER_02 0:50

I really wanted to talk about this. So can can you tell us what is grief counseling?

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Oh, such a great question. We're jumping right into it. I love it. Yeah. Um grief counseling really gets to be this space where you get to take off the mask that we often have in other places of our life. You know, so much of grief is ingrained in us that we have to be strong. And when people ask how we're doing, we have those cliche sayings of, I'm okay one day at a time, whatever it may be. But inside we're really feeling fragile and vulnerable and afraid and these dark emotions. And so what grief counseling gets to be is that safe place for you to take off that mask and pull back those layers of how you're really feeling in your grief journey to a place where you can share your story, share your loved one's story in a place with someone that can hold it. Because I think that's part of the challenge in grief is that we don't want to be a burden to others. We are fearful that they may not be able to actually sit with the emotions we're feeling. And so we get to be that place for you and hopefully in the process help you learn about your grief and normalize it so you don't feel like there's something wrong with you, um, and start to find new purposes in your life and really start to make sense of the loss. Um, and that's kind of the very surface level of it, but then it's really kind of moving at your pace to figure out what your unique needs are because two people coming to grief counseling might have two completely different needs that they have, and so we get to really figure out what your grief journey is and what we can do to help you on that specific journey.

SPEAKER_02 2:35

And I think that's really true that you hold space because it is hard when it's your friend or your loved one or a you know family member because I think they want to fix it. And and a lot of times you don't want to be fixed, so to speak, you just want someone to listen to help guide you through your journey.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

Yeah, grief isn't something you can't fix, right? The only way that you can fix it is your person coming back to life. And so I think people have really good intentions when they're wanting to fix it, and sometimes it's because it's hard for them to see us in that pain because they care about us, right? And so they don't want us to be in that pain, but really the most honorable thing you can do for someone grieving is to let them sit in it and not try to pull them out of it, but just honor that space and let them feel it. But it's uncomfortable for people, I think.

SPEAKER_02 3:27

It is uncomfortable.

Hospice Support For Caregivers

SPEAKER_02 3:29

So how how did you become decide to become a grief counselor? Like what drew you to this type of work?

SPEAKER_01 3:35

Yeah, I wasn't that little girl in school that was like, one day I'm gonna grow up and be a grief counselor. There might be people out there, but that wasn't me. Um, I was actually and it's it's interesting because I think a lot of people who come to hospice have a story that brings them to hospice. Like there's something that kind of pulls them into this world. And that's so true for me. I was working at a different agency providing counseling. I was starting to, I'll be honest, feel very burnt out of like holding on to this space, questioning like, is this really what I want to be doing? And do I feel like I'm making a difference in what I'm doing? Um, all the while my grandfather, um, who I call Papu, I'm Greek, so we call our grandparents Papu. So my Papu was battling cancer and continuously kind of declining. So I'm managing my personal life stressors on top of my career stressors, and I was just really struggling. Um, my papu wound up signing on to hospice services as a contract then. And so I remember sitting in the hospital and these hospice teams started coming in, they're the members, and I actually thought hospice was a grim reaper. I don't know if maybe I'm alone in that, but that's what I originally thought. Hospice was, right? They're like death coming in. Right. And I was like, oh gosh, here we go, another person. But it was so beautiful because actually they brought this sense of peace and that I hadn't been feeling for a while. They they didn't come in and try and fix it, like we're saying. They just wanted to know how I was doing in this moment, and they encouraged me to slow down and feel what I'm feeling and not have to be the caregiver for my papu, but be the granddaughter for my papu and what that was like. And I remember them leaving and just having this feeling of like, wow, there's something really special here. This is not what I thought this was. And them just sitting with me gave me that space to kind of take a breath. And I just thought, how do I do that? Like, how do I get involved in this? And two weeks after my papu had died, a posting came up for Lightways as the grief counselor. And I remember just kind of looking up and being like, got it. Thank you, Papu. Like, this was you trying to guide me into this field. Um, and I haven't looked back. Like, I definitely have found my home here at Lightways. I love it. It's hard work. I'm not here to say that it's rainbow and lollipops, right? You're we're sitting with people in really vulnerable moments, but I really look at it as an honor that they're allowing me to be in that vulnerable space with them. Feeds my soul, you know.

SPEAKER_02 6:20

Oh, definitely. And I think too, like you said, a lot of people think, oh God, hospice, that means it's the it's the very end. You know, I don't think people realize everything that hospice offers, not just to the patient, but to the caregiver. Yes. It's wraparound. Yeah, and it was so it was a wonderful experience. I I cannot say enough about hospice with my mom, you know, because she had it for about four months. And I, you know, I tell everybody all the time, you know, you need to look into it because they help so much. And sometimes it is just the fact that they hold that space for you as a caregiver and they tell you it's okay, how you're feeling, or here's how we could help. And it's just, you're like, oh my God, you can take care of this, even if it's as simple as, hey, we're bringing in the supplies, you know, of the diapers or things like that. You're like, oh, I don't have to run to the store anymore and get this, you know. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

People think, and I thought this as well that hospice is just about the patient. Um, it really, you know, at lightways, especially, I'm always telling people, your whole family is part of the lightweight family now. Like, yes, it's an honor that we're taking care of your mom or we're taking care of your brother, um, and we're here for them, but we're also here for you. And that support doesn't stop once your loved one dies, it continues on. And that's where grief support comes in, is we get to kind of be that bridge for them as the grief journey is now really in full gear. I mean, as I'm sure you might relate to, your grief starts even before your loved one dies. Yes, like you're grieving along the way, and so for our support to just stop after your loved one dies doesn't make sense because the grief is continuing on after that, you know.

SPEAKER_02 8:10

Yeah, it really is.

Grief Versus Traditional Therapy

SPEAKER_02 8:12

And so how how is it how is grief counseling different from other types of counseling?

SPEAKER_01 8:18

Yeah, I I thank you for asking that because as we know, our mental health intertwines in so many parts of our life, right? It's intertwined into who we are as a person. Um, but grief has its own unique challenges that we have to face. And so a lot of clients that we work with actually are working with their own, you know, mental health therapists that maybe they've been seeing for years to really help manage any mental health challenges they're facing, um, how to just process and cope with stressors in general. But grief comes in and kind of throws that all up in the air sometimes. And so people are often left feeling like, I thought I understood how to what self-care was, I thought I knew what coping was, but I don't know now because grief has thrown everything in the air. Um, so what grief counseling gets to do is be that private space for you to sit in the grief and actually allow yourself to be present in it. I think that a lot of times our instinct might be don't look at it because it feels so painful. And so we have this like fear to look at it of like if I peel it back a little bit, am I is it gonna unravel? Am I never gonna be able to close it back up? Um, so we get to move at the pace that you need and allow you to actually be in it, um, while understanding it's not something you can fix, as we said, right? A goal of grief counseling is not to get over the grief, it's not to move on from the grief, it's not to get over the loss. The goal of grief counseling is for you to find a way to hold on to that bond with your loved one now. And like that's the work. How do you hold on to that connection to them in a comforting way and not as much of a painful way?

SPEAKER_02 10:11

I would agree with that. Yeah, it helps find find those different ways where you can honor that person, find comfort, you know, especially and not just at the milestone. Sometimes it's just regular days when you're like, I really wish I could talk to my mom or my, you know, my loved one right now. They could really help me, you know, um, with that.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

The quiet moments, right? We kind of can predict when those big moments are gonna wipe us off our feet, like birthdays or you know, the year mark after the loved one has died, or a holiday. Um, we kind of brace ourselves, but it's those smaller moments that you're you're mentioning that we were not always braced for, you know, the scent of their cologne randomly, or a song comes on the radio that you haven't heard in years, but now is playing and it brings you back to a memory with your loved one. Those are the moments that that wipe us off our feet.

SPEAKER_02 11:03

I I always tell the story. My mom always loved the marshmallow peeps. Okay. And so actually, that was the last food that she ate was a peep. And so she she passed in January. And so that first Easter, you know, the peeps come out, and literally I had to go like as soon as I saw them in the store, I like wanted to cry, and I was like, whoop, gotta go the other way. Now when I see them, I find comfort. But that first few months when I saw them, I was like, Oh, I'm gonna start crying in the grocery store for it. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:34

I appreciate you saying that because I think early in grieve, we sometimes get caught in this black or white, all or nothing thinking. So, like I know for me, when after my Papu had died, um, we danced at my wedding to Moon River, which is not a very popular song, right? Like it's you don't hear it nowadays. I'll tell you after he died, I must have heard that on the radio about five or six different times within that first week. And I was like, enough, I can't. And I had this fear of like, am I never gonna be able to hear that song again without falling apart? And prior to the loss, I had such comforting memories with that song, and now all of a sudden it was painful, and it was very confusing to try and rationalize how this song could now all of a sudden be connected to pain. Um, but just like you're saying, I think as I moved through my grief journey, slowly it turned into comfort. And now I I still hear that song and I still get tears in my eyes. But I think the emotion behind those tears is is what's changed. So I wonder if it's the same with the pizza for you.

SPEAKER_02 12:39

Yeah, yeah, it is. Now it's like because I used to buy them for all the time, you know, my whole life, you know. She always had it, and I was like, oh mom, look, there's Halloween ones now, there's Christmas ones, and we'd like, oh let's try this flavor, you know. So uh yeah. Uh so yeah, now it now it's coming. Or did she only like them fresh? Oh, she'd eat them all all the time. She didn't care. She she loved them. Yeah, she she did. And we'd get the different colors and all that. Yeah, it was like, um, yeah, she loved them. I I want to talk about.

Grief Myths That Add Pressure

SPEAKER_02 13:09

Can we talk about the myths of grief? Because I think that's really important. And I learned this through grief counseling. I did not know this.

SPEAKER_01 13:16

So okay, yeah, there's so many of them too. And and I didn't really know how much I bought into these myths myself until I started doing this work. And then I really realized like this is not what I thought grief was. Um, so there's a few that I'd love to maybe talk with you about, and then I'd love to hear any other ones that you've found kind of along the way. One that really sticks out to me is this idea that grief is linear and has to follow like a set-step guideline. And people will often come to counseling asking for just that. Like, tell me what to do, tell me the steps I need to do to get over this grief. And that's whether they'll often mention Kubla Ross, which I'm sure everyone has heard of Kubla Ross's five stages of grief, right? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and that the end is acceptance. I've yet to meet a single griever who has followed that in a linear pattern and never bounced back to an emotion. Like grief just does not move in a singular path in a way that you can check it off and then never look back at it again. And I think the danger with that myth is because we're human, we're going to be bouncing around. And so when we inevitably do that, it makes us question am I doing this wrong? Like, is there something wrong with me that I'm still feeling moments of anger? That every so often I do have these moments where it doesn't feel real and I'm feeling denial. And we are so guilty of putting that pressure on ourselves to follow this path. Um, but the truth is that grief really does make us bounce all around. Sometimes even within the same hour, we've bounced around to different emotions. Um, if anyone ever attends our grief workshop, the second night we compare the grief journey to a roller coaster, right? It's this idea of like someone put you on the roller coaster, put the shoulder straps on, even though you didn't buy the ticket, and they sent you off. And so you have no idea when the next turn is coming, you have no idea when that next drop is gonna happen, and all you can do is just hold on tight and hope that you'll get through that next drop. And I think that's true with grief. But the more that we can dispel that myth that it needs to be linear, I think people will have more compassion to recognize I get to do this in the way that I need to, and that there isn't a timeline I have to follow. Um, that can be hard for people though, I think, because yeah, they want to know what to do. Um, but I think it also gives us that freedom, you know.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

Yeah, and now I find myself because I and I learned this at the grave, one of the grave workshops about, you know, Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote wrote those about the people who are who are terminally ill. Those are the stages they go through. So now, like I even find myself if I'm watching TV or a movie and they they go, oh, the stages of grief. I'm like, no, that's not right. Yeah, I did it to myself, I'm like, no. And but it made perfect sense that when when you know you said that at the grief workshop, I was like, oh yeah, that is what she wrote about. She wrote about the terminal illness, and somehow it got into this is how grief works, and it and it doesn't.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

Yeah. It's I do think Kubler did a Kubler also did a phenomenal job at identifying emotions that are part of it, though. Because I do think those are very much of integrated into the grief journey. Um, I just think we need to maybe adjust our view of it as recognizing it doesn't have to be step A, then step B, then step C. It can go whichever way it needs to.

SPEAKER_02 16:56

Yeah. And like you said, sometimes you feel it all all of them within five minutes of each other, depending on what's going on, you know, and that that's okay to accept that, yeah, that's how I feel today about it. And that it it it is, it affects everything, you know, your your physical body, not just your mental. You know, we we tend to separate that with that.

SPEAKER_01 17:18

That's exactly what I was just gonna mention too. It's another myth, is that it the myth sometimes is it only affects the way we feel. And in that, that the only feeling we have in grief is sadness. And so, yes, sadness is a big part of the grief journey and feeling that pain, but it is not the only emotion that we feel in pain or feel in grief, excuse me. There are so many different emotions that we experience. And what's interesting is sometimes very early in our grief, because we're feeling so much pain, all we're doing is craving for a moment where it doesn't feel this painful, where it doesn't feel like it's going to encompass us. And then as we're moving through our grief journey, we do have a moment where it doesn't feel as overwhelming, or dare I say, we have a moment of joy. Uh-oh. Yeah. And then we're met with guilt, right? This like feeling of I'm not allowed to feel guilt or feel happiness. Joy does not belong in this grief journey. Are people gonna think that I've gotten over my loss? Is my loved one going to think I no longer miss them? Um, and so the reality though is that joy is absolutely a part of grief, and it's necessary, I think, for grief in order to keep our stamina going through the journey. We have to give ourselves that permission to feel joy at some point.

SPEAKER_02 18:38

Oh, yeah, yeah, you you do. And sometimes it's, you know, you think about a story about your loved one and you start laughing, you know, because you're like, oh my god, yeah, they did do that, or oh yeah, they did say that, you know, and to find comfort in that. Um, but yeah, you do you have that conflicting feeling of, oh, I I shouldn't be happy right now in this moment, you know. But it it's okay to feel that way.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

Yeah. It's and it's also okay if right now it's hard for you to connect to joy, too. Like that's really a a phrase that I keep in mind, even through my own grief journey, is this idea of right now. You know, if right now it's hard to connect to joy, that's okay. That's just where you're at in your grief journey right now. And if right now you are able to chuckle because you remember a silly thing that your loved one did, that's okay too. That you don't have to fit into one of these two boxes. Um, but I don't think you really understand that fully until you go through that grief journey itself, which is kind of leads into that third myth I wanted to talk about, which is this idea that grief kind of goes away on its own. That like you know, you just need time, right? How many times have I even said that to someone before I went through grief? That now I look back and I think, how has no one smacked me? I've said that to someone. Yeah. Um, because grief doesn't just heal on its own, it doesn't just go away. Well, what what I do think happens with time though is that it gives us those opportunities to learn what's helpful in our journey and learn what's not helpful. And we're constantly just evolving what our coping skills are and what our coping toolbox needs to have in it. And that's what time I think gives you that that opportunity to do that.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

I would agree with that. Yeah, it gives you that you figure out what will work for you or what's okay for this or that, or like I learned um through my grief counseling that like it was okay if I just needed to zone out that day and I was just playing games on my iPad or I was finding comfort watching Netflix or uh, you know, and then I found some movies. I I found myself finding movies or shows that kind of had grief in there in the story, not even intentionally, but then I found comfort in those. You know, you know, that's where I found it, you know, and that and that was okay if that's what I did that night. You know, I I didn't have to always be doing something. Um and and give yourself permission for it.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

Yeah, permission to pause, permission to to acknowledge sometimes not doing something is doing something. Like that that let the absence of doing something can actually be feeding your your grief needs in that moment, and that's acceptable and encouraged, actually. We can't, I think sometimes our instinct is to keep going 24 hours a day, like just to stay busy, because the busier I am, the less opportunity grief has to knock on the door. Um, but the truth is at some point you have to put your head on that pillow, and grief is gonna find a way. You know, grief demands to be feel, grief demands to be experienced. So the more we can lean into it and honor it, the more we're honoring our loved one and honoring the bond. That we have with that loved one.

SPEAKER_02 22:03

Yeah, I yeah, that's definitely true. And then it's sometimes it's a hard lesson to learn that that it's okay to pause. But I I found it very helpful when I'm able to be like, okay, I I know I need this. Like I I just need to do this with it.

Finding Light And Staying Connected

SPEAKER_02 22:19

On the Lightways website, it says through darkness wing we bring light. So how does someone find the light when they're grieving?

SPEAKER_01 22:30

It's a really tricky question because as I said, I think we're each gonna do it differently. Right? Two people grieving the same person are going to find their light in different ways. Um, but the one thing I I want to encourage your listeners to really remember or reflect on is that really your person is your light. You know, that they are the light in your life, they're the light in your heart. And that's really the goal of grief of like, how do I continue my bond with this person in this new way? And so you're gonna be able to connect to light by finding ways to connect to your person. Now, this can be really challenging, especially in the early parts of grief, because perhaps you know, the moment you close your eyes, you have a picture of them and immediately just start crying. So for me to ask you to connect more to them might feel very scary. Um, but there are ways through grief, counseling, other types of grief support that you can really learn how to connect to them in that comforting way. And it could be talking to them, looking at pictures of them, maybe eating their favorite meal, sitting in the chair that they always sat in, wearing a shirt of theirs. Um, lightways makes memory bears, or we can take your loved one's articles of clothing and turn it into a bear. So you have something physical to like hold on to and hug in that way. Um, talking about your loved one to other people, those are ways that you can continue to hold on to that light and find that connection. Um, and then on that note, too, I think an important part is connecting to other grievers. You know, through COVID, we saw so many challenges in our world. Um, and when it came to grief, one thing that we really saw is people were experiencing delayed grief because they were one being robbed of the opportunity to sometimes even say goodbye to their loved one in their final moments. Yeah. Um, which is so important to be able to have that moment to say goodbye. But then afterwards, they were being robbed of the ability to connect with other people and be around others who are also experiencing that pain that you are experiencing. So we always encourage people in grief through their journey to connect to other grievers. Because again, so many people in your life are going to say, Oh, I know exactly what you're going through, but have no idea what you're going through. And there's something really profound about being around other grievers who don't just say they get it, but genuinely get what this experience is like.

SPEAKER_02 25:22

So, what is the difference? Uh, how is grief counseling different than grief support?

SPEAKER_01 25:27

Yeah, so I look at grief support as kind of an umbrella, and really the umbrella is protecting our grief journey. So it's covering over that grief journey, all of those emotions, all of the pain that we're feeling. And grief support has a bunch of different things that do that. So, grief support is really the ways in which we can help you walk along that journey. And so, counseling absolutely is a part of grief support. And I'd love to, and we kind of have already talked about that, um, but I can, you know, talk more about it. But I also want to touch on the other ways that we can receive grief support. So, one is really this idea of connecting with other grievers, as I mentioned. So, it might be attending a support group. Now, Lightways offers loss-specific support groups as well because we recognize that although we never want to compare grief to grief because loss is loss, and it's not about one being harder or easier, right? Pain is pain. Um, but I do think each type of loss has unique challenges. So, you know, we have a spousal loss or partner loss specific group. We have a child loss specific group. We more recently started a parent loss specific group. So we're giving people these opportunities to connect with each other, not even necessarily to share, because that might be vulnerable for some people, but to at least be around others and hear what's worked for them, what hasn't been helpful, or at the very least, just normalize the experience that they're going through, right? So that can is a part of the grief support. Also, I think grief support includes education, like learning about grief. And that's what our grief workshop is for, is that it helps people really understand what grief looks like to again hopefully normalize what they're going through so they understand there's not something wrong with me. I'm grieving, and oh, so that's why it's hard to sleep at night. Or oh, that's why I feel like I have less patience with people. That's why I don't feel like myself right now. That's what grief education can do. Um, grief support, I think, also includes helping you understand how to connect to your loved one. So for some people, looking at pictures might feel too vulnerable, but maybe what I can do is um eat the food that I know they always like to eat. And that's how I'm gonna find comfort in connecting to my loved one. And then finally, grief support, I think, really includes helping you understand what your actual needs are. Like sometimes that in itself is difficult to determine what I actually need. So part of my role when people call in is they'll share their story with me, and then I have that conversation of what do you think would be helpful for you? Right? Do you think you might need more of that one-on-one space to really peel back those layers of your grief? Or do you think it would be more helpful to be around others who've also experienced parent loss? So you don't feel so isolated in this journey. And is that what your needs are right now? But all of those I think are encompassed under that grief support umbrella.

SPEAKER_02 28:44

And you know, I never thought that I would be like somebody that liked support groups, you know, but I I have been a part of the parent support group and I love it. I look forward to it every month. And it is, you know, it isn't about comparing the grief, but it's just something about that somebody who's lost a parent understands, you know, or it and it's so like how the different stories are similar, like, oh yeah, I'm going through this, or yeah, I have to go through probate here, or oh yeah, this happened, I have to clean out, and it's hard cleaning out the house, or those types of things. And then you just find comfort in knowing that you're not alone uh with it. And and you don't have to talk if you don't want to, you know.

SPEAKER_01 29:26

Exactly. That's what I was just gonna say at the so I'm one of the facilitators for our child loss group. And at the end of every group, I always have my little spiel that I say, which isn't a spiel, I genuinely mean it. Um, but I say, you know, thank you to those of you who have shared, because it's a vulnerable experience to share your grief journey and to be vulnerable and present in it. And also thank you to those who have listened. Like thank you to those who have been present to others, sharing their story, because there is an important part of grief and feeling heard and feeling seen. And so that makes just as much of an impact being present as an observer and kind of taking things in to help normalize your experience. You don't have to be someone that talks the whole time to get something out of the support group.

SPEAKER_02 30:20

And I also love, I've attended a lot of lightweight events. I love all your events that you have. Uh I I do. I find I find comfort in them, and then you know, I get you get to meet other people, but I also learn a lot uh for it and a lot, a common theme in many of the events is in the events is sharing your loved one's story. So, how do somebody on their own can they keep sharing their loved one's story?

SPEAKER_01 30:44

There's so many ways, and sometimes you know, it can feel vulnerable to share it out loud, like that in itself feels very scary. So there's also private ways that you can share your story. I always encourage people to write down and journal what their loved one's story is. And what's interesting is if you have yourself kind of write down your loved one's journey, set it someplace, and then maybe go back to it a few months later, you always have new insight that you're constantly taking out of your journey. And so it would be interesting to see how those journal entries would change. Um, but if you are feeling more open to sharing it out loud, there's lots of ways that you can do that. Um, one is to talk to people who knew your loved one and share stories about your loved one and keep saying their name. I think that's such an important part of grief is that we continue saying our loved one's name. And actually, at groups, the support group that I run, I make sure to mention each of those children's names, every single group, because I think it's important to continue saying their name out loud. Also sharing stories with people who didn't know your loved one. I mean, like prime example, me learning that your mom loved those peeps. Like that's a little piece that you get to share with someone in a way to kind of keep her moving in the world today. Um, people will share their stories in grief counseling. So, again, if it feels vulnerable, maybe meeting with the counselor one-on-one where you can really go into the depths of your loved one's journey. But really, any creative outlook can help you with that. So we've had people write songs, write poems, create a piece of artwork in their loved ones' honor, um, create a post on Facebook and share a collage. Um, you know, we've worked with people who have kept their loved ones' Facebook active even after they've died as a way to continue connecting to them. And I was working with someone before who had said every so often they would go to their loved ones' page and someone would post something on there, you know, just like, oh, I was thinking about you today, this really funny thing happened, and it helped me learn about my loved one from someone that I didn't know. Um, so there are so many different ways that you can share your story. But the important thing is that you get to decide how you want to share your story. And that's I think a really important aspect for lightways is that we never want someone to feel pressured to share if they're not ready to. So we're constantly moving at your pace to figure out what would be helpful for you.

SPEAKER_02 33:23

And when you mentioned that, you know, sharing your story with somebody who didn't know your loved one, and and I, and I have, and when people have made comment, not comments, but like like, oh um, the chaplain at Lightways actually did my mom's service. And so he met with me and my dad and you know, to learn about her and stuff, and he was like, Oh, she was a trendsetter. And I was like, Oh, I guess she was. Like, you know, people make and I was like, Oh, yeah, I never thought about it. Yeah, I guess she did do this, or you know, uh with that. And I thought, oh, she'd probably get a kick out of that, you know. Uh you know, so what would you say to someone who's a little apprehensive about maybe sharing their grief or coming to grief counseling or even an event?

SPEAKER_01 34:05

Yeah, it's a normal feeling to have, right? This, like I said, you know, we're not talking about rainbows and lollipops, we're not talking about the weather. We're asking you to really be present in a vulnerable spot. And so for someone who's apprehensive, the first thing I want them to know is it's okay to be apprehensive. And also there's no timeline of when you need to start with us. We're very fortunate at Lightways that we can work with anyone at any time in their grief journey. So we've had people come through our doors who experienced a loss when they were a child and now are an adult and are at a place now where they can really sit in the grief. And our door is always open. You know, we don't have to do this at a certain time. Um, but if you are open to it, let's move at your pace and maybe let's come up with a way for you to dip your toes in the water at your readiness. So, for example, when I'm talking with someone on the phone, and if they say, Yeah, I just I don't know if I'm ready to do counseling, like that just feels very intense and raw for me. Then maybe what we do is we talk to them about attending our grief workshop, right? Because it helps them tap into the educational piece of grief and maybe start learning about their grief. So they're still tending to it, but it doesn't feel as vulnerable. Or maybe we talk about attending a support group with the understanding that they're not going to share anything because that feels very vulnerable, but they're going to come just to be an observer and listen and be present. There's no specific way we need to do this. So let us work with you to determine what feels okay for you. And also if you try it out and you realize it's not the time, that's okay. You can come back at any time. You know, lightways doesn't have this policy where once you leave, you can never come back. Like that door is always open and actually encouraged to come and go. Um, you know, when you're facing new challenges in your grief.

SPEAKER_02 36:07

And yeah, I like that, you know, that people know that that they can come back. And like I said, I I I love coming to the events. Like I check the website all the time because I was like, I I find comfort in it. And then like I've I've met, you know, friends now. And and it's just like you just feel that comfort because they understand what you're going through at different times for it. And this and all the events are so they're so beautiful and they're so comforting, you know, with it. Like the one um I learned so much about it was the one I I never say it properly, it but in English it's the day of the dead.

SPEAKER_01 36:38

Um, the Dia de Los Muertos. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:41

Um, I learned so much about that. I had no idea what the whole holiday was, you know. And so like I find comfort in that one. I just did the Mother's Day one, which is so pretty uh with that.

SPEAKER_01 36:52

So lightweight. I'm starting to introduce you. It's beautiful on RN too to when we see people coming to multiple events because it's almost like we get to see you as you're evolving in your grief journey too. Um, and so you know, I feel like we built these relationships with you as well in terms of being that support person for you. Um, so we're always grateful when we see people come back.

SPEAKER_02 37:15

Yeah, I could see that. Yeah, it yeah, we feel like we get to know you too for it. Yeah. So I mean, lightways is in the Joliet area, obviously.

How To Find Local Resources

SPEAKER_02 37:24

So, how can someone find grief counseling or grief support resources in their area? What would be the easiest way for them?

SPEAKER_01 37:32

So, in terms of lightways for um specific reasons, now we are able to help anyone in the state of Illinois. Okay. So anyone who lives in Illinois, like I said, your loved one did not need to be on our hospice services. So even community members, if they've experienced the death of someone, we're here to be on that journey with you. We specifically offer telehealth options. Okay. So we can meet with someone on Zoom or on telephone and kind of break down some of those barriers that might prevent them from getting to us. But let's say you are out of Illinois, or let's say you are looking for something more in person and just don't live very close to us. I always encourage people to go to nphihealth.org. So that stands for the National Partnership for Healthcare and Hospice Innovation. I had to write it down because I was gonna forget. Um, but they have a database source where you can actually type in your zip code and find local hospices in your area. And that's always where I encourage people to start is find a local hospice in your area. Because if anyone knows grief, it's hospice, right? Hospice agencies understand grief and they understand the needs. Not all hospices are able to provide grief support to community members, but they at least can be a starting point for you to kind of start reaching out to people. I love doing that for people though. So if someone is looking for resources, I'd love for them to reach out to me and I can be that person to kind of do some of that legwork for you, whether it's going online, researching places, calling places for you to try and take away some of those steps for you. I'm more than happy to do that for you as well.

SPEAKER_02 39:09

Well, thank you. We will make sure we put all this on the links to that um on on the website as well for it, so people can contact us. Hopefully contact you too, but also they find that with it. And like I said, I can never speak highly enough of hospice. Everybody from the time they came in from the first nurse that admitted my mom to everybody, everybody was just so wonderful and so caring. Uh, it was just a wonderful experience during a very difficult time before that.

SPEAKER_01 39:39

So it's an honor on our end. We always look at it as an honor. So, and um, that's what keeps us driving, you know.

SPEAKER_02 39:47

And so thank you so much for joining us today for that. Thank you. So, and like I said, we'll put all the links for that so people can find it if they're not in the Illinois area. So hopefully you have enjoyed this episode and you enjoyed your cup of tea, your cup of coffee, or if you're having that bad day, that glass of wine, or who knows what else, right? So, and join us for another edition of Patty's Place.